Breaking down my Wall

Here's another thing I never admitted or acknowledged about myself until recently... I had constructed a very large wall that bared others, and myself from ever knowing the real me. That might seem extremely dramatic, and cliche, but it's true.

After my depression and after my "recovery" I went into hyper-drive mode. I put up a wall between myself and the things that would overwhelm and scare me the most because in order to get into a good college, do well in school, and be a productive member of society I could not be distracted by what I would find with true self-examination or what others would find.

This wall bared all the bad things about me, all my real worries and fears, insecurities and self-doubts, from overwhelming me. That's not to say I didn't have my down days, weeks, or months. I did for sure, but I also had the overwhelming drive to convince myself of normality and strive to achieve that thing which even though I would tell myself was impossible seemed the only thing to strive for -- PERFECTION.

I spent all my time trying to make myself into someone I thought I should be rather than just letting that all go and being the person I already was.

I didn't let myself acknowledge my feelings of guilt, or that I felt like a burden. I do not feel worthy of the blessings I've been given. I do not feel worthy for the abilities I have.

Yet I've worked hard. I've had many sleepless nights. I've thought that I was happy, and I've been happy. But now... Now I'm ready for a real change. I'm ready to feel worthy of my abilities and to feel worthy for my blessings.

I've acted like a fool and a naive child. But I have been a child. I never let myself see these things and never let anyone else either. Sometimes we could see glimpses of this side of me through the cracks in my wall, but it was still rather impenetrable.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to hide behind ambition, drive, or perfectionistic tendencies. I resisted socializing and dating because I was scared to let anyone see the real me, because I was scared to see the real me. I have felt the sting of rejection and despair, and in order to resist any further hurt I put up that wall. That impenetrable wall is coming down.

I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to give myself the chance to know myself, and let someone else do likewise.