The end of Summer

Summer is almost over and I still haven't finished everything on my to do list. But that's not really a surprise to me. Procrastination just seems to be my Achilles heel.

Three more weeks of summer, and so much to do.

Breaking down my Wall

Here's another thing I never admitted or acknowledged about myself until recently... I had constructed a very large wall that bared others, and myself from ever knowing the real me. That might seem extremely dramatic, and cliche, but it's true.

After my depression and after my "recovery" I went into hyper-drive mode. I put up a wall between myself and the things that would overwhelm and scare me the most because in order to get into a good college, do well in school, and be a productive member of society I could not be distracted by what I would find with true self-examination or what others would find.

This wall bared all the bad things about me, all my real worries and fears, insecurities and self-doubts, from overwhelming me. That's not to say I didn't have my down days, weeks, or months. I did for sure, but I also had the overwhelming drive to convince myself of normality and strive to achieve that thing which even though I would tell myself was impossible seemed the only thing to strive for -- PERFECTION.

I spent all my time trying to make myself into someone I thought I should be rather than just letting that all go and being the person I already was.

I didn't let myself acknowledge my feelings of guilt, or that I felt like a burden. I do not feel worthy of the blessings I've been given. I do not feel worthy for the abilities I have.

Yet I've worked hard. I've had many sleepless nights. I've thought that I was happy, and I've been happy. But now... Now I'm ready for a real change. I'm ready to feel worthy of my abilities and to feel worthy for my blessings.

I've acted like a fool and a naive child. But I have been a child. I never let myself see these things and never let anyone else either. Sometimes we could see glimpses of this side of me through the cracks in my wall, but it was still rather impenetrable.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to hide behind ambition, drive, or perfectionistic tendencies. I resisted socializing and dating because I was scared to let anyone see the real me, because I was scared to see the real me. I have felt the sting of rejection and despair, and in order to resist any further hurt I put up that wall. That impenetrable wall is coming down.

I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to give myself the chance to know myself, and let someone else do likewise.

Nameplates

I can't decide which I like better... any suggestions?

Hello purple room

I have finally mastered the next stage of communication: skype. My friend Amanda has just left to go let her dog out. Meanwhile, I'm left looking at a snap shot of her room, whoa, the door just opened and there she is! Totally creepy moment... but awesome.

T.T.F.N.

Sleepless nights, but not unproductive

Obviously if you've read my blog before you've noticed a few design changes. The other night I couldn't sleep so I made it my mission to try to figure out how to change up/customize my blog design. I didn't get much sleep, but I did learn a few things, such as how to change the font of my blog title and how to apply my own photo to the background. I also figured out how to make it so that the photo stayed in place as one scrolls through my posts. I don't know how applicable the things I learned will be to future web design projects, but I see them as the first steps towards my ultimate goal of mastering the web.

On a side note I'm sitting in Starbucks once again not getting any work on my newspaper, the UR Collegian, redesign done. Oh well, at least I'm enjoying the people watching.

T.T.F.N.
Elizabeth

Responding to New York Times article

I just finished reading Hilary Stout's article "The Coveted but Elusive Summer Internship," in which she explained that the "Obama administration issued a fact sheet listing six criteria aimed at preventing employers from violating the Fair Labor Standards Act with their unpaid internship programs" in April. In response to that article I've written the following:

I'm all for government regulation of the FDA, oil and gas companies, and the like, but this is an area where government regulation could be harmful. I'm working as an unpaid intern at a non-profit news radio station this summer, and paying my university to get credit. Am I losing money? Right now yes, but that’s why I look at it more as an investment than anything else. At my university the journalism department doesn't have broadcast journalism classes. How else was I going to figure out if I wanted to pursue, or was even good at broadcast journalism without an internship?

Internships give students, such as me, the tools to make decisions about the kinds of careers they want. We're at the age when we're trying on every identity and considering every possibility. These internships teach us skills we can't learn in the classroom.

Requiring that an employer does not derive any benefit from an intern’s work is preposterous when any action one does can benefit another. Do my employers derive benefit from my work? I hope so. I hope they learn as much from me as I learn from them. Our economy, our country, and our world depend upon the cooperation and interaction between new and old ideas. In this era of economic turmoil the exchange of ideas and building up of "resume" experiences becomes that much more important.

There are a lot of things I can live without, but education, in the broadest sense of the word, is not one of them. I would gladly give up luxuries for the experience I'm gaining from this unpaid internship. I work hard. I don't fetch the coffee, or take out the trash, and I don't feel taken advantage of. Don't make it harder for me or any other student to have these experiences and learn the skills that will help make them better workers and citizens.

So there it is, whether the New York Times publishes this or not, I have said my piece.